Friday, November 4, 2011
150
The season is fall. The place is Sacramento state for the section title game. It is the fourth quarter with 15 seconds left. Our opponents the Del Oro Eagles are ahead 34-28. The ball is on their five yard line. Our star quarter back Mitch Sampson is watching from the sidelines with the pain that comes with a broken rib. Frankie was our only hope in a game that meant so much. Frankie took the snap. Cameron Buell led Frankie to the tunnel. He took on their outside backer and laid him out, but was dragged down with him. This left Frankie with the Eagles best athlete: Tanner Huber. Frankie made contact with him. He tried to spin out of the tackle, but he could fully get out. He fell forward and reached out. The refs immediately shot their hands up. Touchdown. Everyone from Casa stormed the field in excitement.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
WOOOOO! CAMERON BUELL <3
ReplyDeletei love the detail, i couldn't really tell the fixed action.
i could picture this story taking place, Overall great peice.
:)
so nice play by play action though i felt the line, "Mitch Sampson is watching from the sidelines with the pain that comes with a broken rib" can be redone since it doesn't seem to flow that well.
ReplyDeleteLoved the emotion that exerted from this piece fixed action couldn't be seen with the story line great piece!
ReplyDeleteI liked how the story is clear and concise. An improvement would be to show details throughout the story.
ReplyDeleteGreat detail :] cant quite tell what the fixed action is, but the excitement was great
ReplyDeleteI really like the intensity you create with this piece with the short, concise sentences.
ReplyDeleteTo improve your piece, you could "show" the action with more attention to small details and the emotions/reactions that accompany them.
Overall, this is a very nice piece. thank you for sharing. :)
Great story! its clear and consice with great detail. But there was no fixed action
ReplyDelete